Burden
by simply-aly
Summary: Bellamy's not sure when he began to rely on Clarke Griffin. (The evolution of Bellamy's thoughts toward Clarke.)


Bellamy's not sure when he began to rely on Clarke Griffin.

At first, during those early days on earth he wants her nowhere near him and fights her for control over the 100. His mind is focused solely on the fact that she was one of the privileged; hell, she's the Ark's Princess. He can't risk her being in control when the Ark comes down. Despite his plans to sabotage that outcome, he plans for it as well, and her and Jaha Junior pose the greatest risk to his freedom if the Ark comes down. They're related to council members and are the most likely to side with the council on his execution and he can't let that happen.

Despite his plans to shut her out completely, he realizes rather quickly that not only does he not have it in him to really hurt her, but her skills as an apprentice healer are important for him to have around. Bellamy ends up giving her a modicum of control when he instills her as the camp medic, instructing a guard to get her whatever she needs. It was a risk to his power, but it had to be done. In his book, it's nearly carte blanche, and it surprises him when she doesn't immediately seize control from him.

He does notice that she seems to flourish in the role. She gives him just as many orders as he gives her. She argues with him, challenges him. She finds out what he did to get down here and he sees the judgment in her eyes, but she doesn't condemn him. He thinks she may even understand.

Despite knowing how he got here, she accepts him as the leader of this group of impressionable teens and even forgives him, going so far as to get him pardoned. "We're on Earth, now," she tells him in a soft voice after their conversation with Chancellor Jaha. "What we did on the Ark doesn't matter anymore."

He's not sure he believes her—his actions on the Ark got his mother killed, after all—but he holds tightly to her forgiveness anyway, even if he doesn't understand why. Things stay as they have, even as they continue to change. Bellamy Blake isn't sure when it happened, but Clarke went from being the camp medic to _also_ being his co-leader.

However it happened, decisions were ran by each other and an agreement was had, or an argument resulted. They buried the dead together, tortured someone together, fought an assassin together, brought guns back to camp together, he backed up her attempt at peace talks on Unity Day, and they fought an unknown illness and a grounder attack together. They became a unit.

Things fall apart rather quickly when she and Finn go missing. His first instinct is to find her, because he needs her—they understand each other, work off of each other. Without her he isn't sure, really, how to be the kind of leader his people need. His second instinct is to think like Clarke. If she can't be here, he needs to pretend she is, needs to figure out what she'd do, because he's not sure if his idea right now is rational. He's sure Clarke would insist that it's not, that she's not important right now, and he swallows bile as he walks back to camp, unable to shake the guilt of leaving her behind.

Bellamy feels himself losing it when she's gone. He feels more on edge, the weight of leading these people now falling solely on him. It's hard to fathom, now, wanting this kind of power even a month ago. When did Clarke's optimism and soft-hearted attitude become so imperative? When did he lose the ability to do this without her?

Realizing this as he fights to keep breathing, he vows to go find her if he lives through Murphy. He doesn't have to, however, because she finds her way back to camp, Finn trailing behind her. The tightness in his chest lightens as the pressure of leading his people is divided once more between the two of them, Clarke once more taking charge and giving orders.

He questions her decision, yes, but he'll do whatever she says because he trusts her. He needs to, he doesn't think he can do this without her. Even though he doesn't want to leave camp—home—he will, because she's insistent that it's their best option. He still finds himself unable to think clearly without her voice in his head, so perhaps that's why it doesn't take much convincing, perhaps that's why he keeps turning to her when their plans are thwarted.

Sitting in the woods, Finn Collins at his side, the only member of the 100 whose status he is certain of, they try to come up with a plan. They're convinced the answer is Mount Weather, that someone—grounders, reapers, someone else—has them there.

He's sure it's completely reasonable that her voice in her head keeps him motivated. And, if the thought of maybe seeing her again, and sharing this burden with her, drives him forward he's sure no one can blame him.

He's not sure when he began to rely on Clarke Griffin, but he's definitely feeling the loss now.


End file.
